Sometimes, I imagine what it would be like to hold your hand. Your palm against my palm, your fingers brushing mine, your shoulder beside mine. We won’t even need to sway it around while walking, we wouldn’t even need to walk - I would be fine with just the simplest of them all: me beside you, you beside me and the world just watching as something unfolds before them. Something beautiful, something true, something that would make them want to believe that love exist. Because it does. Love does exist and they’ll see that when they see us hand in hand as I see my future and my everything and myself in your eyes. And you’ll see your future, your everything and yourself in mine. 

Sometimes people can never be happy for you. And more often than that “sometimes” is the 100% chance that they’d ruin everything for you - they succeed in doing this every single time. 

The exact time (when I wrote this) that I’ve walked on this earth - sometimes in a crowd, sometimes with people I’ve learned to call my own, sometimes with people I mentally sent in a lion’s den, sometimes with just my shadow as my company. 

Things, inevitably, have changed. For the better or for the worse, that’s what I’m unsure of. The past eighteen years have been a crazy ride - I wouldn’t call it a roller coaster because I have never ridden an extreme one because I hate said rides to death - but regardless, it has been crazy. And fun. And crazy. And sad. And crazy.

I don’t feel any older. My body doesn’t feel any older. My mind has always been old, my soul as well, but I know that majority of what I am changed. I have lost a few friends - some to fate, some to “irreconcilable differences”, some to distance, some to lack of communication. But amidst the contacts in my phone that are just that - contacts - I am happy that I also gained quite a number that have left their imprints in my life. They’re all around the Philippines. It’s crazy that despite the differences in the land we live in, we found a common ground and remained friends (how we have become I am still baffled with). This is one major reason why I had an aversion to celebrating my 18th birthday with gowns and dancing, I couldn’t celebrate it with all of you in one place.

To my friends who I have met in Angeles, Baguio and Manila, thank you for putting up with one colossal mess such as myself. Thank you for remembering my birthday despite the lack of reminder from Facebook. 

To my family who have been there, who were the first to call me names, to the people who I know will always be there, no thank you’s would ever be enough to express my gratitude. 

To Din, who is probably up there enjoying the view as I struggle and grapple with the right words for this pesudo-thank you post, I miss you. I always think of that what could have been’s with you. I always remember the days where our conversations range from logic and coffee and Lifehouse and “single-single-double-double” over a slice of Chocolate cake at that coffee place you like so much. I imagine what your expressions would be every time I see something new: you would’ve love this “tea” thing people always talk about. Would you like Never the Strangers? What would you think about those coquettish teenagers from that reality TV show? Ah, you would have loved to meet this guy I’d go crazy for. I miss you Din, so much, and if you were here, I know you’d be the first people to greet me on this very “momentous” occasion. Take care. 

Just like that, 12:21 turned to 12:40. 

Now, the clock reads 12:41. 

I don’t know how to say this without sounding like someone asking for pity or sympathy -

Simple. Say the truth. And the truth is I’m sad.

I do not know what kind of sad, exactly, but there is a constricting in my throat, a dull ache in my chest and a heavy weight released with deep sighs that run back to me almost like how a boomerang would return.

I am sad - not knowing how, not knowing why, just knowing that it is. It is. I am sad and I do not know.

Hinihintay kita habang hinihintay mo ako. Tinitingnan kita habang pinagmamasdan mo ako. Naghihintayan tayo. Nagtitingin lang tayo.